for almost a month....
wow.. I didn't realize it had been quit that long!
Right now, there is sooo much I can share with you..... life has been pretty interesting.
Let me see... I'll start here.
One of my all time favorite songs is called "In the Silence" by Jason Upton.
Here are the words:
Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don't
Tired of telling you I'll follow
When I know I reallly won't
Cause I'd rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way
In the silence You are speaking
In the quiet
I can feel the fire
And it's burning, burning deeply
Burning all it is that you desire
to be silent, in me
Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom's all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear your holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways
There was a time when I knew that this song epitomized my life with Christ. He was my passion... my obsession. He was the first one on my mind in the morning... and the last words that escaped my lips before sleep. I spent hours and hours in peace and meditation... reading His word and growing in the Spirit. I looooved to pray.. and talking about God was all I ever wanted to do.
Silence was the sweetest part of my life. It was more pleasing to me... to sit with Him... alone in my closet, until I lost track of the time... than to be with people.
Sweet intimacy with Christ was what I found in the silence.
True peace that wasn't dependent on anything or anyone but God....
I was so much more contented then.
And now.... a little more than a year later.... my life feels a million miles away from that place I knew in Him!
Most days.... peace is not the first word that I'd find to describe what is going on inside.... and that firm, "sureness" I once had about EVERYTHING seems gone.
I've struggle with this lately.
How do I get it back? How do I find that place again.... where did the life I had figured out go?
The Truth? I'm not really sure. But I'm beginning to realize that backing up or turning around doesn't seem to be a part of our journey. As I fight to find words to say to the God and Friend I used to communicate so easily with... I realize that it's not that I've lost something. It's not that I have abandoned Him or He's abandoned me. I haven't strayed from His Will or done anything to walk away from His Arms of Love.
I understand what this time has been about. It has been about COMPASSION.
Tears roll down my face as I write... because it's so good to have an understanding of what this season of distance has been about. I know now... that the Lord has not turned away from me. Honestly, I never truly believed He had... but the thoughts would come and go.
Why can't I pray? Why don't I want to worship you? Why are carnal things so much more inviting to me? What is this insatiable need for more? How did I get so full of myself? What happened to my heart? Why don't I care anymore... about anything or anyone, really?
Lord, WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!
My precious friend... God allowed me to see what I couldn't see before. He allowed me to feel what I had never felt in such magnitude.
He allowed me to get lost in gossiping and idle talk... bickering and complaining.
He allowed me to wallow in self-pity and anger.
He let me feel the void that comes from prayerlessness.
He showed me life through my own understanding... and what comes of heading worldly advice.
He allowed me to be burned by the fires of worldly passions and experience what it is to not feel much passion for Him.
He allowed me to drink from the cup of bitterness and resentment.
He let me try to cover my own shame.
Ohhh, I could go on for so long about the things I now know have happened to teach me.
This weekend, my answers have come.
Lord, why do I feel so far away from you?
So that you can feel true desperation. So that you can know the pains of the people I have called you to Love. So that you will reach to help someone out of the same pit that you once knew!
So that you'll get serious about releasing the bondages that have held you back from going forward. So that you will not be ashamed of Christ because you KNOW Him as Rescuer.
So that the story of the Gospel is played out in your own life... and now you can carry that message to all you encounter. So that you can see that all of those things you experienced outside of Him are WORTHLESS!
It was all a part of the plan... and it is so nice to know that I have not failed God... but have come through another season... and learned sooo much more about Him than I could have ever read about! He teaches using many methods.... and this time it was "Hands-on" Experience.
And you know what.... I am ready!!!! It is time to keep on walking now... in this New Season of telling the story... and reaching out to others.
Everyday.... whether at work, at home, in my community, on the road traveling..... it's about having Compassion and allowing the Gospel to live through me!!!
I haven't lost the silence. It's been there all the while.
Although I will always love long hours of meditational prayer.... I now realize that His Still, Small Voice can be heard over any amount of noise and chaos.
I haven't left my "prayer closet" and my "new testament coffee breaks".... I'm taking them with me everywhere I go!
Amazing Jesus.... I finally understand! I finally get it, that it's all about You!
Who knew, all this time... that you were preparing me... molding me... equipping me for the work that You have called me to. So many times... during those times alone with You... I cried out to know True Compassion. Lord, my heart had grown so cold... from fear, rejection and resentment.... that I had lost my ability to connect and to empathize with those in need Thank you... thank you for teaching me in the way that You knew I would get it! Thank you for not just telling me about the pain, the deep hurt, the rejection, the addictions, the misunderstanding, the anger, the insanity, instability and insufficiency. You allowed me to experience it for myself... and come to know you within it all.
I say YES LORD!
I will Go Lord!
I will not be ashamed to tell the story.... even while I'm IN IT!
It's not about ME!!!!
Yet You're all about me.....you really dig me, Jesus.
You're jealous for my heart... my attention and my intentions.
So tonight... I surrender to you!
I say... I DO!
Even if that makes me strange... uncool... or "to-far-gone".... I say I DO....and I WILL!!!
I'll be a fool for YOU!!!
Hand in hand... we'll do this. And I'm excited to cheer You on as you work through me.
Take these lungs... this voice... these hands... these eyes.... these ears... this BODY.... and use it all for YOUR GLORY!!!!
Thank you for the silence. You are there.
I looove you Lord. In Your GLORIOUS Name!
amen.
Thank you for sharing in these moments of victory with me. It's been a loooong time coming.
May He bless your journey today.... and reveal His plan to you in new and amazing ways!
Be blessed... Be Loved,
Tracye
