Okay... so I'm introducing today... a little thing called "Heartstrums". To me, it's a cute little way to describe those ah ha! or Light bulb moments when something really makes sense in a "feel-good" kinda way. You know, when you just get a sweet melody of understanding that plucks your heart...so cheesy as it may seem (and I do like cheese)... I bring you my first "HeartStrum"!
I am really enjoying the beginnings of my day off... this Labor Day '07. The morning began after another late night that ended well into the morning. Strangely that has been the norm for me for a few months now. I'm finally beginning to LIKE it! Who would have ever thought I'd be a night owl?
So my morning began around 10am, and I rolled out of bed and landed at my computer. Emails, myspace, blog reading... how nice to just catch up and feel so connected to so many people. Random pieces of breakfast here and there, peach tea and a sudoku later, I find myself lying cozily on the couch soaking in the beautiful scenery from the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun".
I haven't scen this movie since Renee and I watched it when it was in the theaters.
The gorgeous display of Tuscany... so rich to take in.
As I watched though... I found myself impressed by so many profound statements.
Had this movie changed... or had I?
Back in 2003, I had not gone through the life events that are now logged in the photo albums and scrapbooks of my mind. I could not identify with Frances' life as deeply as I can today.
What a difference 4 years makes.
So I find my heart swelling open as a flower that senses daylight, after a long night as I am touched by several moments.
Just to bring you into the theme of the movie... I'll tell you the general jist:
Frances, has spontaneously bought a house during a vacation in Tuscany. She has recently been divorced and decided that she just can't bare to return to the States. One day, well into the process of remodeling this 300 year old home, she begins to question her reasons for holding on to hope... for moving toward a faded dream of a husband and children... and for investing such time, money and even more costly emotions into building this dream that has not even a shadow of appearing.
Frances, has spontaneously bought a house during a vacation in Tuscany. She has recently been divorced and decided that she just can't bare to return to the States. One day, well into the process of remodeling this 300 year old home, she begins to question her reasons for holding on to hope... for moving toward a faded dream of a husband and children... and for investing such time, money and even more costly emotions into building this dream that has not even a shadow of appearing.
Martini, a dear new friend says this -
Martini: Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come.
He also, getting lost in the depth of the moment and intoxified by the beauty of an exposed and questioning heart, says -
Martini: Signora. Please stop being so sad. If you continue like this, I will be forced to make love to you. And I've never been unfaithful to my wife.
(What that must have meant to hear those words... for so many reason...).
And the chord that has struck me the most, so far (I was interrupted by a phone call and then distracted by bells and dings of message notifications and confirmations of this evenings plans)... was this...
Frances: Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.
Martini: No, it's not stupid, Signora Mayes. L'amore e cieco.
Frances: Oh, love is blind. Yeah, we have that saying too.
Martini: Everybody has that saying because it's true everywhere.
Life experience has brought me a new understanding of relationships and of divorce. I've never been married. Yet, I have walked through deep relationship... one in particular that ventured far past the understanding of many people we knew. And I have tasted the cataclysmic pain of someone you share love with, deciding that what you have trustingly offered them is not what they desire... to be dismissed from their life and have the door to their heart slammed in your face.
Yeah... I have some clues about that now.
And it would have probably been easier for it to just kill me instantly... as morbid as that may sound. But it didn't.
Does it still hurt? Oh God, yes!
But am I better for it? Oh God yes!
This movie is beautiful... so honest and tangible.
And my life... quite brokenly beautiful, as well. I am glad to be able to feel every moment of this existence. The mountain top ecstasies and the deep valley devestation.
I'm okay.
Day by day, I release a little more... accept a little more... and like Frances, I invest in the dreams of my future... and prepare for the trains arrival, before I ever hear it's sound.
On that note... I'm off to celebrate this day with a wonderful group of people... singing, worshipping, eating!... chatting (of course)... and maybe some debit-card Monopoly too :0)
see ya,
tracye
